I'm so fucking centered right now
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
