Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
