Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
