Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
