I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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