Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
