I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
We need to rekindle our bromance
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Randomize
