I CAN MOONWALK!
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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