I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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