accomplished twins. life is a go
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
