After last night, I could never be a politician.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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