one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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