they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
