Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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