I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
