my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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