I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
i think we sleep fucked last night...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
