that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
