I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
