So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
