Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
