I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
