you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i think my tv is drunk
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
