your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
