i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
