But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
