You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
