I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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