like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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