SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
