You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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