i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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