Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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