You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
