Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
