I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
