What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
