if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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