my soul wont recognize me after tonight
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
We have started to decorate penises.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
