saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
