it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
