We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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