Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
