Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. Iām just trying to survive man
Randomize
