I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
