i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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