i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
it's like iHOP with fire
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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