The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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