Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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