there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
