i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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