Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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