I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Are my feet made of real feet?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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