i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Randomize
