I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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