the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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