So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
